Is It Just Me?
Oh man, where do I even begin?! There have been so many changes that have been occurring in my life lately, some positive and some negative. It's rare to post about the negatives in life but if anything the negatives are the things that teach and drive me to make necessary changes and take action. The negative that I want to focus on is some recent events in my dating life, which is officially nonexistent...but we'll get there. Also, I just want to say, I feel like my nonexistent dating life has been extremely comical up until this point in my life so I'm here to spill ALL the tea!
Recently I was talking, or so I thought to an individual that I knew from college during my undergraduate years. During that time in my life, we were both interested in one another or so I thought, and even went on a date some years after college which went well in my eyes and apparently his as well. We reconnected via Instagram, ya know, HE slid into MY DMs during the month of March, but prior to that he was always on top of my stories, posts, and we would chat back and forth, nothing serious. March we went from DMs to texting to face timing to phone calls, literally texting and communicating every single day, all the mushy gushy emojis included. On some real cake shit.
Homeboy even went so far as to invite me to come to visit him in California and spend some time with him. My dumb, all-in ass took time off from work and booked a flight for Friday, March 13th to spend the weekend with this boy who presented as the perfect gentleman and filled my ear with all the sweet nothings I have been yearning to hear. He filled my head with the plans he made for us, and questioned me about my interests, likes, dislikes, blah blah blah! Doesn't even matter now because his true character came to light, which it never fails to. I just wish it would have shown itself before I wasted my time in every sense of the word.
Wednesday, May 4th, I intentionally decided not to text him at all or initiate any conversation, to give him his space since I felt as if he was being different towards me. After not speaking to one another for the majority of the day, which is rare since we've been talking every day, all day, morning, noon, and night up until this past Friday, April 29th. That's when I noticed the change in how he would address me and converse with me, it was no longer, "Hey beautiful" it became, "Hey, how's it going?". His responses got shorter, less wordy, with little to no emojis, and less emotional. He suddenly became “busier”, staying out late, not texting me back all night when he usually would, going to wineries with "friends" for wine tastings (bitch I know you were on a date with a girl, let's be real). I knew something was up, but my blind, red flag swimming ass wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and not let my thoughts or emotions lead to assumptions and predictions. But damn, when they tell you to listen to your gut and intuition, that shit is so damn true. I knew something was off and I should have gone with it, but I didn't do it quick enough to avoid the inevitable.
The inevitable cowardly text came in the evening and went exactly like this:
"Hey Tai, sorry I've been distant, but I needed some time to think things through. I know this is coming pretty sudden, but next weekend isn't going to happen. I recently met someone who lives out here and we've been talking as well. I'm not the type of person to try to hide things and play games when emotions are involved, so I think it's best we hold off on this visit. I hope you understand."
Now I bolded some things in his statement for my own understanding. Maybe I'm crazy or overdramatizing the situation in your opinion, that's fine, but the entire statement is one big fat contradiction from my perspective. I say that for these reasons: if he has BEEN talking to someone else as well, yet claims he is not the type to hide things and play games, something is way off, that is the definition of playing with someone's emotions and wasting their time. And if there is someone else, don't talk to me at all, I am no one's option or "sometimes", either you're all in or you're not, make the decision and make it clear. There was nothing for him to think about because by intentionally choosing to be distant with me as opposed to the individual he has been talking to, he already made his decision. The fact that this was via text as opposed to a phone or face time call as we have done many times before, which would have been the manly and mature manner to go about breaking things off with someone, he chose to hide behind the screen and let me know a week before and not even a full week at that. It shows me who he truly is, a low down, cowardly, weak, inconsiderate, dirty dog who only cares about having his cake and eating it too, I just hope he doesn't choke if he hasn't already.
For those of you that personally know me and my dating and relationship woes, how do you think I responded to his text?
The old Tai would have ripped into him and made him regret the day he met me, but this rational, softer version of me sent a simple reply stating that I felt this coming and he should have told me before getting my hopes up and planning a trip with me and wished him all the best. Consideration is all I'm asking for, but clearly, for some, that's too much. Next time, if there ever is one, my dumbass knows when they start talking about “taking trips” they’ll have to pay for my ticket and the trip so I know it’s real. Not wasting my hard-earned money for a bitch again. Lesson learned.
Have you all had a good laugh at my pain yet?! I'm not laughing yet, more so crying at the moment because this one is fresh, but I know I will soon look back on this and laugh at my dumb ass for wasting my precious tears and losing my appetite over someone who was never worth it nor truly valued me as a person or my time. I'm sure some of you wonder why I am being so transparent about a crappy experience that has caused me to lose hope in any and everything relationship-wise, but I share it because I feel like some things are for more than just my journal. After all my blog is called, Tea with Tai for a reason, I'm here to keep it real and spill my reality (like my tea pun? lol).
I share these things to show that despite how my life may look on the outside looking in, it's not always what it seems. I'm not here to only share the positives, that's not real. I want others who may be struggling with dating or other areas in their lives to know that they are not alone. I want you all to know that shit happens. Shit like this happens to me all the time. Yes, I am currently hurt as fuck but, I also know that this is another change in my current season that is for my growth and overall betterment.
Sometimes the things we believe we want for ourselves aren't always what we need and that's okay. The negative experiences we have and toxic individuals we meet along our path in life are there to plant seeds of understanding, change, and growth, and make room for those that you'll need on the next phase of your journey.
My current reality as of right now when it comes to dating, I am burnt the hell out and I have absolutely no interest, energy, effort, or time to continue putting myself out there to be filled up with sweet nothings just to be let down, time and time again. Please, I'm begging, leave me the fuck alone if your intentions aren't honest or pure. Enough repetition with bad dating experiences is enough to drive someone mentally ill, luckily I haven't reached that point yet, but I have plenty of stories to share. I honestly cannot name the last time I was talking to someone or in a relationship that wasn't one-sided, toxic, and leaving me feeling like I am so hard to love, respect, appreciate, and that my expectations are too high. And I honestly don't have any faith or hope left as a result of my domino effect of bad dating experiences. I am taking this time to refocus my energy, efforts, and attention solely on myself and having as much fun as I possibly can with those who want to do the same. That is all. Period.
I want to give a special shout-out to this fuck boy who recently played with me, my emotions, and my time. Thank you for being the coward that you are and ending things before I ended up being in way too deep, miserable, and regretting ever getting involved with you. Thank you for igniting my passion to write this post and share it with those who need to see it. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to check myself and my worth and know that I am so much better and deserving of more than the crappy, low-down dog experience you gave me. Thank you, I genuinely wish you all the best.
Sincerely, the emotionally unavailable, self-focused, queen, Tai<3